perfect

I can't remember a time when I haven't been looking for THIS.

I've unavailingly searched for it, uninterruptedly and simultaneously in myself and others. It has and still does provide me with utmost anxiety - amongst my symptoms, a distorted, foggy vision, jolting awakenings, numbness, tremors, mouth dryness, derealization, giddiness [...] and, inescapably, a constant sense of weakness and fear.

although I've clearly failed to escape in accepting this fact, I feel an inescapable need to state that - you are not (and will not be) perfect. you are a PERSON, you have made and will make mistakes. many - and many of which (hopefully, a minority) you will come to regret. deal with it (!)

this does not, I repeat, make you a bad or idiotic person. it just makes you ONE - a person.

(self-punishment is just self-defeat.)